Sometimes I feel so inexplicably lonely. It hurts so much. Something changed in the past year. I used to be so comfortable with just being by myself. But now I hate it
I started therapy last year but for some reasons I stopped. But during those months when I talked to my therapist, she made me realize how isolated I was. And I hate it now. I wish I'd never gone to therapy. Now that I'm aware of it it's almost harder to ignore.
I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to communicate with people. And it hurts sooo much. The worst part is that I was the one who messed up all of my friendships. I used to have friends who I actually liked and enjoyed hanging out with but I ruined every single one of them.
Now I only have 2 friends and I'm scared that I'm gonna do it again.
Now with these 2 friends that I have now I always feel left out. Feel like my friends don't enjoy hanging out with me. feel neglected. Feel uninvited and unwelcomed. I always feel like I'm so boring that my friends prefer to hang out with other people than me that's why I don't always get that invitation.
I think you can be alone for a long time but once you realise that it might be part of being in a sort of survival mode and that under that state of being comfortable alone, there is a want to be with people and wanting to form relationships, it is impossible to un-feel that feeling and go back. Because you don’t want to go back, you just feel it is impossible to achieve what you want now and move towards it. You begin to hate wanting to be with people because you do not know how to be and you do not see the road to build relationships. That’s a scary thing. We need other people in our lives. We need to love and feel loved. If you do not know how to walk that road it sets you into a circle of anxiety, self directed anger and more retreat and loneliness because of it.
It’s scary to go to therapy. Especially when you are / were isolated, it confronts you with a lot of coping mechanisms and the reality that there is a lot of change ahead in order for you to move towards being less isolated, less alone. Loneliness is a scary thing once you realise what a giant fog or cloud it is above everything you might think and feel. You’re confronted with your own loneliness not only in the present and in every of your action, but I think when you’re dealing with it in therapy you begin to mourn the past and the possible time you have wasted and you’re scared of the future because you’re doubting that you’ll be able to change fundamental behaviour patterns.
I think quitting therapy and sabotaging friendships and relationships is a way of quitting before you’re failing. It’s hard to believe that you can change so you “ruin” something good because you do not feel like you deserve it, have the energy to maintain relationships and / or you quit something that is developing because it makes you avoid being confronted with truly failing at it.
I know it hurts to not be good at making friends and how to communicate as they’re fundamental skills in life. But how are you suppose to be good at it if you have never practiced? You’re not suppose to step on a tennis court and win a game against Serena Williams. I think communicating, socialising is a skill like everything else in life. Some people are naturally better than others but the level you’re at can always be altered. You can and you have to learn all your life.
And in order to become less lonely and better at building and maintaining relationships, you have to move through your own mess. I think going to therapy was incredibly brave of you and it was a good idea. But you have to stick to it and move through your stuff in order to come out on the other side and let it not stand between you and what you want. You want people in your life. What stands in your way? Past toxicity in relationships? Self doubt? Trust issues? Whatever it is, it’s painful to deal with but you have to do it in order to be at peace with yourself and leave it where it should be… in the past. Trust me, once you worked through, you will be glad that you did and you will feel more comfortable and you will feel more at peace with yourself… and that’s a giant step for you to able to connect to other people.
In terms of feeling left out when you do hang out with your friends, I can only take a guess here but you’re taking baby steps here and that’s ok. But that means also that in comparison to other people you might be fairly closed off and anxious which means it’s harder for other people to feel connected to you, to have a kind of open flow in your relationship. It’s harder for some people to get to know you and dude, that’s more than ok. Baby steps will get you there. Progress is progress, no matter how slow it is.
Maybe branch out a little bit if you always feel like your current friends do not want to spend time with you. It might help you to find people through doing the stuff you enjoy. What do you like doing in your free time or what have you always wanted to try out? Start there and maybe look for a sport club or art class. It might make you feel less anxious doing something you like while socialising rather than sitting in a restaurant or bar and being completely confronted with your belief that you’re incapable of socialising / communicating.
All the best to you. Please don’t give up on yourself. 💛
The fact that humans can be killed through physical means is so ridiculous to me
Like this sounds wild but like. hear me out. a person is such a ridiculously infinitely complicated web of thoughts and feelings and beliefs and such an unbelievably huge amount of knowledge and the idea that you can destroy that by holding a pillow over someone’s face for three minutes is absolutely surreal. The idea that you can remove knowledge and emotion and memory from the world with a physical object is literally unbelievable. people are literally infinitely huge and complex and the fact that you can kill the person by killing the body is wild. I’m sure this is incoherent but I hope you get it
It’s like. Imagine you threw a fist-sized rock at the empire state building and the entire thing and everything inside it collapsed into dust. That’s what the existence of human death feels like
rush limbaugh is dead. if you’re under the age of 30, it’s likely you don’t know exactly how outsized his influence was on the rightwing disinformation hellscape we live in these days. there’s no infowars without limbaugh, no tucker carlson, no your parents freaking out about antifa, and likely no Qanon. are you one of those socialist tumblr youths who hate reagan despite not having lived under that administration? trust me that today is a good day.
limbaugh died of cancer, which is fitting. anyway please join me in raising a glass to the fact that he will soon have a grave any enterprising person can find and vandalize.
like i know ive said this before but it is so incredibly eurocentric because its literally a reference to its relative location to europe. and because this definition is so alienated from its actual geographical context you have people genuinely believing the middle east somehow transcends continents and doesn’t exist in asia. there are so many disputes over which countries are middle eastern and which aren’t because the entire thing is an imprecise way of grouping different cultures together by white people who think we’re a monolith anyway and this could all be avoided if we just use the term southwest asia and break free of europes influence over brown people.
Hello you need to see this drag performer talking about quantum physics, queer existence, and non-binary identities.
[Video Description: A drag queen — who is credited as Amrou Al-Kadhi / Glamrou, a drag performer, writer, and filmmaker — stands in front of a microphone and explains,
“Quantum physics is this incredible sect of of physics, which basically…
With like, Newtonian physics — I think of it as heteronormative physics — where its basically ‘What are the fixed universal principles that govern the world? If I do A, will B happen? What are the formulas that’ll tell us anywhere in the universe, “What will happen if I input this?”’
Quantum physics is equally a “real” sect of physics that basically looks at subatomic particles — so the very smallest things in our universe, not the macro things — and they contradict basically everything that Newtonian physics shows us. So, the most famous experiment is the Double Slit Experiment, where you fire an electron and it should go through the left or right hole. And then every now and then, it goes through both at the same time. And we don’t really know why. And sometimes, the same subatomic particle is in different locations at the same times.
And quantum physics shows that actually reality itself is basically a majority approximation of what’s happening sub-atomically. So when people spew the biological essentialism argument on me. Like, particles themselves are non-binary, and do things that contradict each other all the time, we just can’t see them all the time. And that gives me a lot of comfort, that if subatomic particles defy constructs all the time, why should we believe in fixed constructs of gender, or any kind of reality?” END DESCRIPTION]
“Newtonian physics is heteronormative” is not the take I expected to see on my dash today, but it is 100% inspirational.
